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As someone who enjoys things like, well, civilization, the thought of spending three weeks in rural Oklahoma wasn’t the most thrilling proposition. Then again, I go where the work is, so off to the Will Rogers’ homeland I went. While not working, I got a chance to explore the sites and smells of this fine state.

Ponca City

Now, to be fair, when I say “rural Oklahoma” I mean by the standards of any of us who don’t live in a town whose tallest building is a grain elevator. By Oklahoma standards, however, Ponca City (pop. 25k) is downright cosmopolitan. They’ve got a daily newspaper, a Wal Mart and two Sonic drive-ins.

There’s not much more to be said about the town except that apparently, it used to be kind of a big deal. That, of course, was after they literally stole the railroad from a rival town. Ponca, as they call it here (because saying those extra two syllables is just too too much,) was a major player in the early days of the oil industry in Oklahoma, and corporate headquarters to Conoco for many years.

Because of that, this town is rife with huge homes, many of which are rightfully called mansions. The biggest of all is the Marland Mansion. In all seriousness, it’s more like a freaking castle.

All kidding aside, there are actually a few other attractions in this town worth seeing. There’s the Conoco museum, a moto-cross track and the Pioneer Woman statue and museum. Also, take a few minutes and drive by the Conoco refinery on the edge of town. If you’re going to spend time here, you may as well get a look at what makes the town smell funny.

Oklahoma Pro-tip #1: If you’re in this or any other small town in Oklahoma, the best restaurant is more than likely in a pole barn. In Ponca City, that restaurant is Head Country BBQ. It’s cafeteria-style and you eat off of styrofoam plates, but the ribs are un-freaking-believable.

Hugo: Circus City
When you think of the circus, you probably don’t think of southeastern Oklahoma, but Hugo (pop. 5,500, 6,500 on a Friday night in the fall when the local high school football team is playing) is the winter camp for several of them.

Driving around the east side of town, you can see the trucks, trailers and if you’re really lucky, Lobster Boy or the Bearded Lady. If you have trouble finding it, just drive towards the smell of the paper mill and away from the smell of the stockyards. I guess I could have said drive towards the elephant smell, but honestly, who knows what elephants smell like? Do you? Could you distinguish between them and the stockyards? I thought not.

While driving around, you can also check out the elephant sanctuary on the edge of town. The Endangered Ark Foundation, founded by the Kelly Miller Circus, aims to provide a safe place for circus elephants to retire as well as help to breed the next generation of Asian elephants in the United States.

Perhaps the most fascinating thing about the town is the cemetery that features a section reserved for the circus folk called, Showman’s Rest. There are many headstones shaped like elephants and circus tents, as well as many engraved with pictures of acrobats and ringleaders. You can view a photo gallery here.

If you’re looking for a place to eat, there’s a pole barn north of town called Fishtail’s that serves five different kinds of fried fish as well as the best fried corn you’ve ever had. Tell them you’re from out of town and they might hang a sign on the wall with your town’s name.

Oh, and while you’re down there, you may as well take a 20 minute drive south to Paris, Texas to see the mini-Eiffel Tower with a cowboy hat on top, because honestly, when are you ever going to be down here again? You may as well take it all in.

Hugo is a lovely town. I lived there for eight months and enjoyed it immensely. Coming from the north, moving to a town that prides itself on being part of “Little Dixie” was quite an adjustment.

There was the mutton busting, which is rodeo for youngsters in which they put children on the back of a sheep and let them try to ride it like a bull. Then there was the day time hooker who lived a few doors down from me. I’ll never forget the time she hauled her air mattress across the parking lot and asked me to blow it up for her with my air compressor. I soaked my entire apartment in bleach after having that thing in there.

Of course, one of my favorite things about that town was the Christmas parade during which Santa would ride down the street on the back of an elephant.

Oklahoma Pro-tip #2: Don’t be surprised when you drink beer all day (as I did with my friends on my first weekend living in Hugo) and don’t get drunk. Nearly half of Oklahoma’s 77 counties — including Hugo’s Choctaw county — are technically dry, not allowing “liquor by the drink” in bars. Instead, the bars, gas stations and grocery stores sell beer that is 3.2 percent alcohol, far less than in most other states. For liquor or real beer, hit the state store early and find a joint that allows BYOB. There are many such places out there in Oklahoma and Texas, including some strip clubs!

Oklahoma City
There are plenty of things to see in Oklahoma City. Definitely make time to see the Oklahoma City Memorial National Monument. Set in the footprint of the Murrah Federal Building, the monument is very beautiful and touching. It’s a wonderful tribute to the tragedy that occurred there in 1995.

The reflecting pool occupies the space where a road once ran and where Tim McVeigh parked his Ryder truck bomb. The field of empty chairs features one chair sculpture for each victim of the bombing. I know it’s kind of a writer’s cop-out to say this, but words can’t do the monument justice, it truly should be seen by everyone.

If you’ve worked up an appetite from all the sightseeing, follow the smell over to Stockyard City. I pulled up a list of local attractions and followed the directions with no idea what I was going to see. Turns out Stockyard City is exactly what it sounds like, a bunch of stockyards.

Alongside the stockyards are all kinds of tack shops, a theater and one of the best steakhouses you’ll ever visit.

The specialty at Cattlemen’s Steakhouse is the Presidential T-bone, the personal choice of President Bush and honestly the most delicious steak I’ve ever eaten. The service was great, the food was amazing. Heck, even the house dressing on the side salad was wonderful. All this, and it wasn’t even in a pole barn!

Oklahoma pro-tip #3: If you’ve had too much soda during lunch and need to stop at a truck stop to relieve yourself on the way back to your hotel, always knock on the door as you enter the restroom. If you don’t, you could end up interrupting a couple having a little afternoon delight. Welcome to Oklahoma! Meth is a hell of a drug.

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